I watched my old habits die & it was painful
Sometimes it’s painful in the light of the truth
But you kept me fast to the right
And I wanna thank you tonight
I ain’t never had nobody like you
A couple of days ago I was asked to compose an imaginary press release on a topic of my choosing. Criteria included: funny, creative, well-written. Don’t know if they were looking for something quite this snarky, though.
BRITISH PETROLEUM CORPORATION TO UNVEIL IDENTITY OF INTERNATIONAL SABOTEUR BEHIND @BPGlobalPR
— Unprecedented Manhunt Identifies Twitter User Behind First Successful Communications Strategy in Company’s History —
THE INTERNET (June 9, 2010) – BP Global (NYSE: BP) will announce the results of an international investigation into the identity of the saboteur behind @BPGlobalPR, alias Leroy Stick, at a press conference to be held tomorrow at 9am EDT aboard Carnival Cruises’ Magic (The “Fun Ship”) as it docks as far away from the Gulf of Mexico as possible. BP Chief Executive Officer Tony Hayward, citing severe exhaustion and a desire to “have some fun already,” will address the media for exactly 30 minutes.
Since May 19, 2010, some 239 messages attributed to the BP Public Relations team have been published via micro-blogging site Twitter, revealing trade secrets and confidential company stratagems, including plans for a morale-boosting staff outing to see the latest family blockbuster Marmaduke. “We have identified the source of the leak,” said Hayward in a call with reporters this morning. “I can assure you that the individual will be both top and bottom killed before this is over with. We are through with this mudslinging!”
BP executives, determined to strike back at @BPGlobalPR for being funnier, smarter, and all-around better than the real thing, attempted to determine the author’s identity through a variety of methods, but they all failed. Finally, Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles arrived at an ingenious plan: “We will buy the internet!” he declared.
“We are incredibly proud of the hard work, man hours, and billions of dollars we have dedicated to uncovering the truth behind @BPGlobalPR,” said Hayward. “This is without a doubt the most important issue that currently threatens our organization.”
Full details about the investigation will be outlined in Hayward’s upcoming statement.